蕙之世界

i’m TRAPPED! Trapped in a deep blue sea, an extreme deep one.

Never realised that my swimming skill is so poor until i can’t find my way out from the frigthening blue sea.

Once thought that i’m a very a skilled swimmer and could easily draw myself out from any deep sea that i was in. Apparently, it deteriorates.

Can’t find a way out, not even a way to breathe properly undersea. My oxygen tank is almost used up! It has never came across my mind that this fall into the sea would be such an endless submersion…

i’ll be drowned soon…. if i still can’t find a way to get myself out from this damn deep blue sea….

i LOVE the sun! i LOVE everything above the sea level.

Please, let me out from this hell!!!

The answer to the question of the day, yes, i think i really don’t know you.

Or probably, i should say i don’t know the NEW you.

I once thought i know you very well and you are one of the fewest that i can really talk to, whatever it is.

But seems i thought wrongly. Maybe i was wrong from the start or you have changed, well to me, it is more to the latter one.

I really thought i know you well, but certainly it proves me wrong now. I don’t know ANYTHING about you. I started to feel the change in you ( or should i say, the real you that you were hiding well all this while ) during months ago. I didn’t voice it out cause i hope i got it wrongly, but somehow, i can feel that whatever i was feeling since that is true.

You think you really know yourself, but in a way, i bet you don’t.

So in the end, you feel disappointed of what i think of you, or should i be the one feeling so, as the one i thought i know very well once has gone very far by now?

Another small thing, why would you want to share it out to the other party in the first place when he/she doesn’t care much of this matter? What for you want to tell then?

You always come to visit me on Thursday, at least you did since the past few weeks.

Why on earth you come to see me so often lately?

i tried to avoid seeing you but turned out, i couldn’t.

You still come no matter how i dislike you, how i hate you.

Why would you do so?

How dare you come to disturb my life?

Made my life miserable…..

So tell me, when are u going to leave me forever?

What shoud i do so as don’t have to see your ugly face again?

What should i do so as you won’t come to bother me anymore? And leave me in peace….

Tell me, please tell me.

Cause i REALLY don’t want to see you anymore.

Please leave my world..

当一个人渐渐成长时，他对世间的看法也会随着年龄而改变，直到他再也无法思考的时候。

当他还是一个小孩时，他只须父母的疼爱，父母的关怀。虽然他也哭过，但对于大人来说，那些都只是小事情。

当他上了小学，他只希望能达到父母对他学业上的期望。他只希望老师有留意他。他也可以很坚决的说与某某绝交，可是第二天却又和往常一样，有说有笑。一切都是那么的天真，那么的单纯。

当他上了中学，思想开始有了变化。一切的希望，都不是为了父母而去追求的。他开始思考他所想要的东西了。友情，爱情，学业，一切的看法都跟小时候不同了。他学会了用自己的角度去思考了。

当他上了大学，一切都不一样了。他以为，他长大了。思想也成熟了。对世间的看法也截然不同了。他以为这阶段的他，已经是一个大人了，可以为自己做决定了，可以很好的掌管自己的情绪，可以很明确地追寻自己的梦。殊不知，他什么都不是。他只是一个被大人外壳罩着的可怜小孩。他以为，他很了解自己的脾性，却时常都不懂自己在搞什么。他以为，他懂得控制自己的感情，却不知自己常常为了这而烦恼。他也以为，只要说服自己，就可当一切的情感都不曾发生过，可是却不知道自己连个小孩都不如。小孩哭过就算了，可是大人的他，却怎样也放不下这感情。说该忘记的，却时时刻刻都在脑海中盘绕，怎样也挥洒不了这影子。他以为，只要自己坚信不疑，相信自己，任何事都可以办得到，却不知时常为了别人的三言两语，而质疑自己的能力。他以为，只要自己了解自己想追求什么就够了，可是却时常让人牵着鼻子走。他以为，他以为，他以为……自认已长成大人得他，就在这样以为之下，过了人生的一段日子。这日子该到什么时候？只有他自己晓得。

大人啊，大人，你何时才不用过这样的日子呢？

Just when i was a bit happier yesterday, i was down again today, by other thing. This thing, frankly speaking, is bothering me. i don’t know how come this has such a big effect upon me. i was like in a new kind of dilemma again. It may not mean anything to others but it does mean a lot to me. i don’t know this time what decision i should make, stick with the old one? Or going to try my luck on the new one? i really have no idea. i didn’t even bother to think of the new one before, because i was like: oklar, just take the old one and ignore whatever that comes then. But indeed i couldn’t be so now. Maybe, in my heart, i really prefer the old one. Or is it? Haih~

Argghh…. i just don’t know how to put whatever i feel now into words…

Finally some of the blue feelings have faded away. I guess I know part of the reason why i had these blue feelings.  After having a chat with you last night, I’m sure I have thought too much before that. I should not have thought about that in the first place, but it is not easy to take everything under control. I think, this weird feeling arose during few nights back, the time when we were alone. I really don’t know how I had this feeling but when it comes, you just have to face it (though I’m still not sure why it happened.  This has made me struggled for a few nights, thinking of why and whether it is real, and if it is real, what should I do). But the only one thing I know is, there is no way out if I keep with this feeling and go on with it. Luckily the short chat yesterday night had released me from this suffering… Thank god, I have walked out of this dilemma!!! Thank god, I manage to make myself happier again!!! Thank god, I do not need to bother about this anymore, not now, not in the future!!!

I am freed!!!

p/s: thanks shlrene!! Great to see you trying to help. The thing is I, myself also don’t know the ways to make this blue feeling goes away. I just realized that it will go away when it should. J

oh ya, another thing is, I’m thinking of opening a blog in blogspot but the problem is I can’t find a name I like to name the blog. Any idea?

Blue blue blue……. Just feeling blue but don’t know how to express it, how to remove it… I don’t want to have this feeling but what can i do? A lot of thoughts are running in my head but i don’t know how to throw part of the unhappy and making-me-blue-things away…..

Anyway, just came to update the blog and try to release the feeling inside by writing something here, hopefully.

Sighed~ with no special reasons…..